The 'Just Talking" phase is something many college-aged men and women are familiar with. TSM (Total Sorority Move) explains it in The Talking Phase Ruined My Life as, "basically a tiny devil on your shoulder just waiting for it to hit the fan. It’s a period of overanalyzing, overthinking, and uncertainty. Two people express interest in each other, but they aren’t exclusive. Because putting yourself through the struggles of a relationship without even being in the official relationship is our idea of a good time." It takes "hooking-up" to a new level. In this type of relationship, there's no guessing how long it'll last. A person in this sort of relationship, if you can even call it that, is perpetually confused about what they should/shouldn't do. Common questions they ask themselves include: How often should we talk?, Is it okay if I go home with him?, Can I "talk" to other boys too?, Why doesn't he ever text me back?!, and so on. There are only two ways that the "talking" phase will end. Either it ends, usually horribly with everyone getting hurt, or they actually go a step further and start a committed monogamous relationship. I can probably count on my one hand how many times I've seen good things come out of the "talking" phase. Usually, when a guy and girl are in this phase, its because they aren't sure if they really want to be committed to this person. They don't know if they can see themselves dating the other person so they keep it casual but still do all of the things couples do.
I believe that this phase has blossomed over the last decade or so due to fact that our generation hates being committed to anything. This created a space for people to constantly explore but still have that person to talk home in the end. Most college students don't see a problem with this because it is so embedded into our every day thinking. Being a girl lit is actually such a stressful time to be in this phase. There are never any answers to your questions, you have no idea where your "significant other" is most of the time, and you are constantly worrying that he is with another girl and will leave you in the dust. From what i have gathered, this phase is a loophole that someone found a few years back where you can do everything that couples do without feeling the pressures of commitment.
The TSM article directly correlates to the Fraternities and Colligate Rape Culture article by, Boswell and Spade. Specifically, when they re discussing "hooking-up." They talk about how hooking-up is different for guys men and women. Men enjoy how casual it is and the fact that there are no strings attached. Whereas women are not as fond of the idea. The explained how they are usually left with sadness because they long for a real relationship. I think that is why the "talking" phase doesn't usually work out. Women long for something more and sometimes push for it but the man in the relationship usually doesn't intend for it to go any further. The "talking" phase has disguised the importance of commitment in modern relationships.
Here's the link to the TSM article to learn more about the "talking" phase: http://totalsororitymove.com/the-talking-phase-is-ruining-my-life/
Miranda,
ReplyDeleteI feel the “just talking” is that in between stage where you are wondering where things are going and what his or her actions means. We have all sat around with our friends sending screen shots of messages from the person we are “just talking” to. You are looking for any possibility that they may have feelings for us. We ask our friends, “What does this text mean? “If he text me first, does that mean he was thinking of me? Talking is supposed to mean healthy communications, but often it leaves you feeling confused. I believe communication is important early on in a relationship. Communications lets you know where you stand and what you want, because one of you may just want to hang out and one may want a marriage proposal out of the relationship. The best thing to do in the “just talking” stage is to keep each other on the same page. You should communicate your intensions before it becomes a mess and one of you get hurt waiting on someone who doesn’t want the same thing as the other. I say let’s skip the “just talking” stage and be straight forward and avoid the guessing game altogether.
Miranda,
ReplyDeleteI feel that the assumption that hook up culture is preferred by or some how advantages men is both unfair and untrue. Often times men are just as willing as women to participate in serious long-term relationships but I feel assumptions made by the author perpetuate this hook up culture. When you start generalizing men and make strong assumptions of what they want based on nothing but their gender there is bound to be confusion of what the goal of "talking" is. I think its possible if more women went into romances without this notion that every man has some malicious intent and both parties could be less reserved and more honest of what they want out of an interpersonal relationship. It's pretty obvious that our generation participates in a hook up culture but I don't think it necessarily advantages either gender; I believe it causes confusion for both genders and select individuals may take advantage of this precedent we have set for their own sexual endeavors.